For me, boundaries are a really important healing tool, yet they’re often misunderstood or overlooked. For many of us, the thought of setting boundaries can feel daunting – what if people think we’re selfish? What if we upset someone? But boundaries aren’t about creating distance or rejecting others. Instead, they’re about protecting what matters most: our energy, our wellbeing, and our sense of self!
So, in this post, I'll explore how boundaries can support nervous system regulation, why they’re important for healing, and how they help us connect to our true selves. I'll also share practical ways to set boundaries without causing harm.
As always, take what resonates with you and leave the rest. Healing is a deeply personal journey, and boundaries are just one piece of the puzzle!
What Are Boundaries, and Why Are They Important?
I think of boundaries as the limits we set to protect our emotional, physical, and mental energy. They can involve saying no to something that drains us, saying no to unfair treatment, expressing our needs, or creating space for rest and the things that matter to us.
Far from being selfish, boundaries are an act of self-respect! They help us honour our values and ensure that we’re not depleting ourselves to meet external expectations or being taken advantage of.
How Boundaries Support Nervous System Regulation
I’ve spoken in more depth about the nervous system in my previous post here, which I recommend reading first if you want to gain a deeper understanding of nervous system regulation.
In relation to the nervous system, it’s important to understand that boundaries are deeply connected to our sense of safety and well-being. When we lack clear boundaries around unfair treatment (however small), our nervous system feels unsafe, which can move us down the ladder into (or keep us stuck in) a sympathetic or dorsal vagal state. Also, when we overextend ourselves to meet others’ expectations, this can lead to feelings of overwhelm, again leading to or perpetuating nervous system dysregulation.
Boundaries act as a protective container, allowing us to send a signal to our nervous system that we are taking action to make ourselves safe. By setting clear limits, we teach our nervous system that it is safe to move up the ladder. This also means that our body can move into a healing state, where it can rest, replenish, and all systems can work more efficiently.
Boundaries also tell our nervous system any one of the following: It’s safe to meet your own needs. You matter. You are allowed to rest. You deserve to speak your truth.
How Boundaries Help Us Reconnect with Our True Selves
When we constantly overextend ourselves or go along with unfair treatment because we are afraid to speak up, we often lose sight of who we are and what we need. Boundaries help us reconnect with our authentic selves by clarifying what we value.
Boundaries aren’t just about saying no – they’re about also saying yes to the things that truly matter. When we create more space, time and energy for ourselves, we create the space to actually commit to the things that we love, that bring us joy and are truer to who we really are. This in itself can also be very regulating for our nervous system!
Practical Ways to Set Boundaries
While the concept of boundaries may sound simple, putting them into practice can feel challenging, especially if you’re not used to advocating for yourself. Here are some approaches that have helped me and my clients:
1. The Positive Sandwich
The positive sandwich is a gentle way to set a boundary while maintaining warmth and connection. Here’s how it works:
Start with something kind: “I really enjoy spending time with you.”
State your boundary: “This week, I need to focus on my health, so I won’t be able to attend the event.”
End on a positive note: “Let’s catch up when I'm able to – I’d love to hear about it!”
2. Use Clear Communication
Setting boundaries often requires clear communication, and this can feel daunting. Here are some suggestions for communicating clearly. This approach not only helps you express your feelings but also minimises the chances of starting an argument!
Step 1: Name your feelings without blame. Focus on your feelings and needs rather than placing blame on the other person. For example: 'I feel anxious when...' instead of 'You make me feel anxious...'
Step 2: Stick to the facts. Focus on what you can observe, avoiding assumptions or mind-reading. ‘I have too many plans’, instead of ‘You make me do too much and don’t listen to me’.
Step 3: Offer a direction or solution. This shifts the conversation towards resolution and collaboration. For example, ‘I really feel like I need to reschedule this time so I can put my health first’, or ‘Could we try to think of a solution to this?’ or ‘I’m not sure exactly what to suggest. Could we figure it out together?’
3. Visualise Setting Boundaries
If the idea of setting boundaries feels overwhelming or if you're unsure how the conversation might go, visualisation can be a powerful way to prepare yourself. The brain struggles to distinguish between real and imagined experiences. When you visualise a situation, your brain activates the same neural pathways it would if you were physically in that moment (you can read my previous blog about visualisation here). This can help you feel more familiar and comfortable with the idea of setting boundaries, making it easier to take action when the time comes (or doesn’t, as sometimes visualising can be enough).
How to Use Visualisation to Build Confidence
Imagine the Conversation
Picture yourself setting a specific boundary with someone. See the interaction unfolding calmly and positively. For example, you might visualise yourself saying, "I need to take a few hours to myself this weekend to recharge,".
Focus on the Feeling in Your Body
Visualise yourself feeling grounded and self-assured as you set the boundary. Imagine your body language – standing tall, making eye contact, and speaking with clarity and warmth.
Rehearse Your Words
Visualise yourself using the communication tools from earlier, such as naming your feelings, sticking to the facts, and offering a solution.
Anticipate Challenges
If you’re worried about a negative response, visualise yourself handling it calmly and compassionately. For example, if you fear the person will react defensively, imagine yourself saying, "I understand this might be hard to hear, but this is important for me." Practice staying anchored in your needs. However, it can help to end the visualisation once the boundary is set, rather than imagining the other person’s response. This way you can end it whilst feeling empowered.
Feel the Outcome
Take a moment to visualise how you would feel after successfully setting the boundary. Tune into the feeling in your body – it could feel like relief, empowerment, or peace. Really acknowledge the emotions that come up in response to setting a boundary, showing your body and brain that this practice can be safe and even liberating.
What if You’re Not Ready to Set a Boundary?
If you feel like you're not ready to set the boundary yet, that's okay. You can still use visualisation to signal safety to your nervous system, without taking action.
And if boundaries are new to you, start with something manageable. Practise saying no to small requests or taking just 10 minutes of quiet time for yourself each day.
Acknowledging Life’s Realities
I also want recognise that setting boundaries isn’t always straightforward. For example, if you’re a parent or a caregiver, there are responsibilities that might make it difficult to say no or create time for yourself.
In these situations, it’s about doing what you can. Even small acts of boundary-setting – like taking five minutes to breathe deeply, asking for support when possible, or simply pausing to acknowledge your own needs – can make a difference. Remember, boundaries aren’t about perfection! They’re about creating moments of safety and self-care wherever you can.
Key Takeaways
Boundaries don’t have to be walls – they can be bridges to a more balanced and authentic life. They help us regulate our nervous system, protect our energy, and create space for what truly matters. Of course, boundaries aren’t the only tool for healing, and that’s why I am doing a whole series of posts about tools for nervous system regulation. But I encourage you to connect with your body when reading this post and feel into whether it resonates and is something that would support you on your journey.
I’d love to hear about your own experiences with boundaries – what’s worked for you, and what challenges have you faced? Feel free to share in the comments or reach out directly.
And as always, if you need extra support with this, I’d love to connect with you and see how my 1:1 coaching packages could help. You can join my Mind-Body Coaching waiting list here to receive 40% off your first session in January.
I hope this was helpful and I want to end by saying that your needs matter, and you deserve to meet them! Especially at this time of year, which can be so busy for many of us.
With love,
Ashley x
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